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Behind my painted smile: Kirsty’s story


On the floor, Kirsty was dwelling the great life. However in actuality, she was masking intense emotions of tension, low vanity, and failure. Now, having come by her personal disaster, she desires to assist others who could also be on the same journey

Do you look into different folks’s lives and suppose they’ve the world? We typically surprise, or assume, what others are pondering, but in actuality now we have no clue. For therefore lengthy, I painted on a smile. It has taken some time, however I really feel comfy with what I’m about to clarify, and I’m virtually grateful for the expertise – for bringing me to the place I’m right now.

The reality is I didn’t need anybody to know or see how unhappy I actually was. I’d simply let all of it construct up, after which cry alone, and be unhappy in silence – like dwelling two completely different lives. For me, emotionally, issues got here to a head in October 2018, and the breaking level was when my well being began to deteriorate. Stress was killing me, and my relationship was useless.

My depression began a very long time in the past, as a fruits of quite a few life challenges and experiences – together with unhealthy relationships, self-doubt, and at all times blaming myself for something unlucky that occurred to me. I at all times felt like I used to be within the mistaken, and was crammed with self-doubt.

So when a possibility arose to maneuver to Dubai for what I assumed could be my dream job in actual property, I felt prefer it was the change I wanted after spending a lot time sad and caught in a rut. My household have been a bit of uneasy with my determination, however as soon as they knew how a lot I needed it, and to be trustworthy wanted it, they got here round.

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Kirsty with companion Kris

The issue was that I used to be offered a dream, nevertheless it ended up a nightmare. I labored so laborious over there, however ended up dropping out to the primary firm I labored with. I met my now ex-partner, and located myself so caught up within the bubble collectively that I forgot who I used to be as an individual, and located myself giving my complete world to this individual – with out giving myself a second thought. I believed he was the one, so when issues turned bitter, it was horrific. Having by no means been in love earlier than, and for the primary time to be in love with somebody who was dwelling a lie, and didn’t love me like they stated, broke my coronary heart.

I used to be dwelling an enormous mislead the entire world, to my household, buddies, and all my family members, however most significantly to myself. I used to be in denial. I ended up a shell, and I didn’t even recognise myself.

It bought to the purpose the place I may now not paint on that smile; I may now not perform with each day life. Every day was a blur, and I used to be simply plodding alongside. I felt so low, it was heartbreaking. I had a each day battle of making an attempt to drag myself collectively, whereas giving up on the identical time.

I felt like I had no objective. This sense wouldn’t go away, and I couldn’t carry my temper, irrespective of how laborious I attempted.

So, in the long run I realised I had two decisions: sit and wallow in self-pity and the previous, or stand up, get on with my life, and begin shining once more!

I believe transferring dwelling to Scotland from Dubai in 2019 undoubtedly saved my life. I’d lived on the market for about two and a half years in whole, and to everybody again dwelling – and anybody who was following my social media – it regarded like I used to be having the time of my life, however in actuality I used to be so unhappy.

Don’t get me mistaken, I had some superb instances, and I don’t remorse taking that likelihood and beginning a brand new journey. Sadly, issues simply didn’t go to plan as I used to be additionally experiencing excessive panic attacks and a sense of worthlessness. I felt I shouldn’t be there, that I didn’t should be there.

I had a way that I had failed in life, and a robust dislike of myself. I couldn’t carry the darkish cloud that lingered round me. Most days I’d cry at virtually something. Sure, I’m an emotional individual, however this was not regular.

Once I hit all-time low, I realised my solely two choices have been to surrender, or get on – I made the selection of the latter as I needed to reside, and believed that there was extra on the market for me.

My strategy was easy: someday at a time. I realised the significance of taking time for me, and located that being alone helped me to create plans to maneuver ahead with. I spoke to my shut buddies – together with a pair I truly referred to as my Dubai mum and pop, who took me in and who I’ll eternally be grateful to. Their sensible phrases helped me a lot, and inspired me to rebuild ‘me’ once more.

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Reading was extremely useful, and train was one other outlet – every time I labored out or went for a run, my head turned clearer. Writing was helpful; it’s humorous that for those who write down the way you’re feeling, once you see it in entrance of you it usually doesn’t appear so unhealthy.

As quickly as I bought dwelling to the UK, my first step was to talk to a health care provider, and the second was talking to a therapist. This may be daunting, and to be trustworthy I used to be nervous, nevertheless it turned out to be one of the best factor for me! I needed to get assist as quickly as potential, because it was so alarming how I used to be feeling, so I sought counselling privately.

Now, I’m in a significantly better place. From having days the place I hated who I used to be and will barely look within the mirror, now I’m extra content material, and know that I’m a very good individual. I’ve realized to take care of me a bit extra. I look ahead to the indicators I’m struggling, and ensure my psychological well being comes first.

“There is no such thing as a disgrace in asking for a serving to hand – you aren’t a burden, and issues do get higher”

My companion, Kris, and I lately purchased our first dwelling and transfer in August this 12 months, which I’m so enthusiastic about. We have now two beautiful cats – Summer time and Nala – and our household is rising with a child on the way in which! Life is so magical, and I’m so grateful to be the place I’m now.

The rationale I needed to share my story is to assist different individuals who could also be struggling proper now, and are questioning if there’s a manner out. The reply is, sure! Regardless of how powerful issues are, there may be at all times assist, and lightweight on the finish. Please know you’re not alone. If you find yourself in a depressive state, your thoughts performs methods on you to say that you simply’re not ok, and that you simply’re unfit – however you’re.

Please search assist. There is no such thing as a disgrace in asking for a serving to hand – you aren’t a burden, and issues do get higher.

When issues begin to fall into place, that is once you look again on issues and recognize how far you’ve come, and the way your previous has made you the individual you’re – and for that I’m grateful.


Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr says:

Kirsty highlights simply how simple it’s to imagine others have every part, when inside it could be a distinct story. Social media can add to this, leaving folks feeling – as Kirsty skilled – virtually as if they’re dwelling a lie. Kirsty made a courageous alternative. She realised there actually isn’t any disgrace in reaching out. With willpower and a rising energy, she made her manner by to construct a life crammed with love and objective. When you discover self-doubt or nervousness are affecting your life, bear in mind, there’s assist on the market. The true problem is reaching out and making that first step.


To attach with a counsellor who can assist you with your individual psychological well being, go to counselling-directory.org.uk



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